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We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene, Could a ... ... librarian be called a bookkeeper? A man walks into a bar. It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. Exasperated, the customer glared at me and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!” —Edward Oppenheimer. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. 0. He storms back to the yard... A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. Me: There you go. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. He shrugged. CHAPTER I. “Now I just wish you could.” —Megs Brunner. Lesbian Sex 01/04/18: With Strings Attached Ch. our entire collection of funny animal jokes, 14 hilarious pun cartoons that never get old, hilarious jokes from your favorite comedians, unfunny anti-jokes that you’ll still laugh at anyway, Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents. Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”, Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? Q: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. They are in a stable relationship. T., via e-mail. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”, The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! I say that even if he acts well in it - remember his incredible acting when he transforms into a vampire in the first episode? My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,” I told her. How fast were you planning on going? M., via rd.com, I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Why the long face? —Stephanie Chapman, When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’ The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? —Comedian Matin Atrushi, A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. It left its tracks.” I got a moan the first couple of Sundays. Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. Searching his memory, he yells to the horse, “Hallelujah! But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Check out our entire collection of funny animal jokes. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Customer: Do you have jogging shorts? ... cabinetmaker be the president? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. I already have one of those.” —Julie Phelan. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse. The horse disappears. It’s only a baby,” he says. A smile makes your face wider, whereas a frown or sad face makes it appear narrower or longer. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly... To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got... Two guys stole a calendar. I needn’t have worried. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher. When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries, The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. The game between the Sox and the Indians was in the ninth inning, with the Sox ahead by a run. “I served in Japan,” said Uncle Sid. The bartender says, "why the long face?" A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?” 39. So we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of quips and puns about the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard. !” When my 12-year-old brother heard Dad tell the joke for the hundredth time, all of sudden, he started laughing. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. The man falls into the alligator pit below, where he befriends the alligators and lives happily ever after. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”, The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Well, Mike looked for Tim everywhere he went, asking many a man whether he was Timmy Dunn, but to no avail. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? The bartender says, “Hey.”, The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”. The... My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard. Now thoroughly deflated, he asked, “Does that mean I’m not 18?” —David Hansen. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. Here's an example (or see Rules): > **Q**: A man walks into a bar... > **AntiAntiJoke**: The floor of the bar collapses because it is made of *construction* paper. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. “Baltimore,” said Dad. “Oh, relax. Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you,... Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. Run!” His companion laughs at him. I needn’t have worried. Settle in: You're in the right place. The cowboy wipes the sweat off his forehead. He started cheering for the Indians to score, even as the men yelled, “Cut it out; you’re a Sox fan!” The Sox ended up winning, everyone was happy, and my dad and I laughed all the way home. When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game... My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. —submitted by magician/comedian Penn Jillette. They got six months each. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. When he arrived, I checked my texts. Bartender: Three dollars. Report: Trevor Bauer signs with defending champion Dodgers, spurning Mets. Run!” His companion laughs at him. The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. “Oh, relax. If you like these horse jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke … In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an... “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author, I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. 37. We call him the Village Idiom. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. The Dodgers nabbed the biggest pitcher on the free agent market coming off a World Series win. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. The pastor explains, “to make the horse go, you gotta yell, ‘Thank God!’ And to make it stop, yell, ‘Hallelujah.’” The cowboy rides off. The woman quickly learned that Mom was retired. “Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. Mom immediately started telling her how much she liked no longer working and how the saleswoman would enjoy it too. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked... Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! I have this terrible sore throat.”, The doctor assures him, “It’s okay—you’re just a little horse.”. A pantomime horse walks into a bar. “Keeping it safe for democracy.” —Lori Shandle-Fox. 40. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks. It has been adapted into an OVA, five anime parts, and several video games.It has also spawned light novels, most notably including Rohan at the Louvre and Kishibe Rohan Meets Gucci.Running since 1986, it is currently on its 8th part, … “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me... My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.” —Nedra Cawley. Interested, she confessed that she, too, was considering retirement. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. Forty years later, Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been. — “An explosion was set up for a stunt in which glass shatters,” a source told Page Six. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no... My dad used to sing little ditties. My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. ... dairyman be a cowboy? JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (ジョジョの奇妙な冒険, JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken) is an ongoing manga series created by Araki Hirohiko. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my... My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? So what’s the Wi‑Fi... After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson. The band was Hall & Oates, and this... My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. —Matt Rizzo. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “I’m a man of the cloth. The joke goes: Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham. “Is this the salon near the fire station?”... On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. My dad used to sing little ditties. With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. “How do you know?” the first demands. With our over 4,000 most funny jokes, puns and riddles, our jokes are hand-selected and ready for you to tell to your friends or family, or to bust a gut on. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. ... referee be a game warden? In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman. As official poetic spokesman for the … “Look at that. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. We don’t horse around when it comes to horse jokes. A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Scene: A sports store. A horse walks into a bar. Not me, Doc. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. —Ronald D. Stieglitz. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar. 02 (4.27) Sherry and Peter are blackmailed again. “What’s this for?” I asked. “Not me. —A.K. Kind-hearted Azzam Raguragui was fatally stabbed by a 17-year-old in a vicious unprovoked attack over a stolen bike. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. Published on 10/26/2015 at 10:49 AM. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix. Last week’s plane jokes are here. 0. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? —Tonya Brantley. Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase. The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. “I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. What did I do?” —Peggy Klasse. In his own day he was said to be—with Queen Victoria and Prime Minister William Gladstone—one of the three most famous living persons, a reputation no other poet writing in English has ever had. 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